Fuck it

I fail at life. I make things harder than they need to be. Nothing will ever go my way. When will I be happy? Probably never. I guess it's just not meant to be. Maybe one day she'll see what I see. More than likely, that day will never come. I give up. Is it worth it? I don't even know anymore.

Don't remember why I wrote this but it sounds like some serious shit. haha.

I lie here awake in bed
Wondering why I feel this way
I know I brought this on myself
But why can't I accept it?

Not a day goes by where I don't think about it
Things will just never be the same
I know I'm wrong for doing what I'm doing
Why must I always ruin such a good thing?

Could it be that it really isn't my fault?
I've just grown accustomed to this feeling
This feeling that I am always to blame
It must be something I did
Even if I don't know what it is

I feel alone
I feel empty
No one is there for me
No one is really ever there for me

It's killing me
Every day a piece of me dies
It hurts but no one knows
If only things were the way we wished them to be

Am I really not good enough for anybody?
Smile on the outside
They don't care about how you really feel

Balance

You need balance in your life. But there is such a thing as too much balance. Things can't always go the way you want them. Sometimes the scales tip in the opposite direction of where you wish they would. You can either be consumed by the pressure, or you can let it fuel you. I prefer to let it fuel me. Keeping everything bottled up is unhealthy, and eventually you will explode (no homo.) At the risk of sounding cliché, the first step is acceptance. Accept that you can't have things go exactly as you hoped. How boring would life be if everything came easy? Just when you think things are going your way, life seems to throw an unexpected curve into the road. Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero; seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow. If you look too far into the future, you forget to live the present. You lose balance and in the end you just lose.

I Wasn't A Good Guy To Begin With

It's 5 AM and I'm lying in bed wide awake. I'm not even remotely sleepy so I guess I'll update this. Yeah the title of this post is a song lyric but I think it's very poignant to my situation. It's from Man On The Moon (The Anthem) by Kid Cudi. My interpretation of the general message of the song is that he's saying that you can't let people define who you are.

My favorite line in the song is, "Maybe if I was a jerk to girls, instead of being nice and speaking kind words. Then maybe it'd be okay to say then, I wasn't a good guy to begin with." When I first heard that line it really struck a chord with me. I've always tried to be the nicest guy I could possibly be, probably to a fault. I guess that has led to girls walking all over me and ultimately I end up getting the short end of the stick. Apparently me being me isn't good enough for anyone.

Not to sound cocky or anything, I think I'd be a really good boyfriend. I mean when I like a girl, I believe she deserves the world and I would do the best I could to give her that. I may not have a job right now or be the best looking guy out there, but I know that I'd do close to anything to make that girl happy and show her that I care. Alas, I have never gotten the opportunity to do so.

Maybe I've been too passive in the past. Or maybe people just don't see me for who I really am, the good guy that always finishes last. Maybe it's just that. Maybe girls don't see that I'd try to be anything they could ever ask for and I'm right there in front of them. Maybe they don't want to see. Maybe I just said maybe too much. Maybe, just maybe.

Crazy

I'm going crazy. Having nothing to do is horrible. All I do is sit around all day and watch TV or go on Facebook and Twitter. I wish I had summer school right now. I also wish the 12 places I applied to for a job at would call me since 2 Dick's Sporting Goods already rejected me. It's been so bad that I watched BET for 7 hours yesterday. Right now, I'm sitting in my living room watching the Science Channel while listening to Pandora on my phone. I just wanna do something, anything. But preferably something that doesn't cost money or is fairly cheap. When I didn't really want a job, I'd get calls back and now that I actually want one I don't.

Having all this time to do nothing isn't fun at all. I'm running out of patience with everything. I don't like having so much free time to think of things. It makes everything more complicated than it has to be. Ok whatever, I'm gonna sleep now so I can just do nothing tomorrow too.

I'm Feeling You, I Wanna Get To Know You

Good summer so far. Still need a job. Stupid obamaconomy. Still need to learn how to step up to the plate. Easier said than done. Short sentences cool guy. Tired so I will sleep now. Need to get rid of the beer smell in the house tomorrow. Maybe it'll happen on Thursday again. My arm hurts and I don't know why. Man up K-Sean. You won't get an opportunity like this again. CG third person talking. You'll never learn.

2009 NBA Championship Laker Parade

The Lakers parade was amazing. Totally worth waiting in line for 3 hours and getting sunburned all over my body. Running on championship fumes all day. Who needs sleep? Definitely not Winky, Risky, Sleepy, Lil' Pepe, etc.







more pictures here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2010083&id=200400096&l=a7f3fa5a5a