Fuck it

I fail at life. I make things harder than they need to be. Nothing will ever go my way. When will I be happy? Probably never. I guess it's just not meant to be. Maybe one day she'll see what I see. More than likely, that day will never come. I give up. Is it worth it? I don't even know anymore.

Don't remember why I wrote this but it sounds like some serious shit. haha.

I lie here awake in bed
Wondering why I feel this way
I know I brought this on myself
But why can't I accept it?

Not a day goes by where I don't think about it
Things will just never be the same
I know I'm wrong for doing what I'm doing
Why must I always ruin such a good thing?

Could it be that it really isn't my fault?
I've just grown accustomed to this feeling
This feeling that I am always to blame
It must be something I did
Even if I don't know what it is

I feel alone
I feel empty
No one is there for me
No one is really ever there for me

It's killing me
Every day a piece of me dies
It hurts but no one knows
If only things were the way we wished them to be

Am I really not good enough for anybody?
Smile on the outside
They don't care about how you really feel

Balance

You need balance in your life. But there is such a thing as too much balance. Things can't always go the way you want them. Sometimes the scales tip in the opposite direction of where you wish they would. You can either be consumed by the pressure, or you can let it fuel you. I prefer to let it fuel me. Keeping everything bottled up is unhealthy, and eventually you will explode (no homo.) At the risk of sounding cliché, the first step is acceptance. Accept that you can't have things go exactly as you hoped. How boring would life be if everything came easy? Just when you think things are going your way, life seems to throw an unexpected curve into the road. Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero; seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow. If you look too far into the future, you forget to live the present. You lose balance and in the end you just lose.

I Wasn't A Good Guy To Begin With

It's 5 AM and I'm lying in bed wide awake. I'm not even remotely sleepy so I guess I'll update this. Yeah the title of this post is a song lyric but I think it's very poignant to my situation. It's from Man On The Moon (The Anthem) by Kid Cudi. My interpretation of the general message of the song is that he's saying that you can't let people define who you are.

My favorite line in the song is, "Maybe if I was a jerk to girls, instead of being nice and speaking kind words. Then maybe it'd be okay to say then, I wasn't a good guy to begin with." When I first heard that line it really struck a chord with me. I've always tried to be the nicest guy I could possibly be, probably to a fault. I guess that has led to girls walking all over me and ultimately I end up getting the short end of the stick. Apparently me being me isn't good enough for anyone.

Not to sound cocky or anything, I think I'd be a really good boyfriend. I mean when I like a girl, I believe she deserves the world and I would do the best I could to give her that. I may not have a job right now or be the best looking guy out there, but I know that I'd do close to anything to make that girl happy and show her that I care. Alas, I have never gotten the opportunity to do so.

Maybe I've been too passive in the past. Or maybe people just don't see me for who I really am, the good guy that always finishes last. Maybe it's just that. Maybe girls don't see that I'd try to be anything they could ever ask for and I'm right there in front of them. Maybe they don't want to see. Maybe I just said maybe too much. Maybe, just maybe.

Crazy

I'm going crazy. Having nothing to do is horrible. All I do is sit around all day and watch TV or go on Facebook and Twitter. I wish I had summer school right now. I also wish the 12 places I applied to for a job at would call me since 2 Dick's Sporting Goods already rejected me. It's been so bad that I watched BET for 7 hours yesterday. Right now, I'm sitting in my living room watching the Science Channel while listening to Pandora on my phone. I just wanna do something, anything. But preferably something that doesn't cost money or is fairly cheap. When I didn't really want a job, I'd get calls back and now that I actually want one I don't.

Having all this time to do nothing isn't fun at all. I'm running out of patience with everything. I don't like having so much free time to think of things. It makes everything more complicated than it has to be. Ok whatever, I'm gonna sleep now so I can just do nothing tomorrow too.

I'm Feeling You, I Wanna Get To Know You

Good summer so far. Still need a job. Stupid obamaconomy. Still need to learn how to step up to the plate. Easier said than done. Short sentences cool guy. Tired so I will sleep now. Need to get rid of the beer smell in the house tomorrow. Maybe it'll happen on Thursday again. My arm hurts and I don't know why. Man up K-Sean. You won't get an opportunity like this again. CG third person talking. You'll never learn.

2009 NBA Championship Laker Parade

The Lakers parade was amazing. Totally worth waiting in line for 3 hours and getting sunburned all over my body. Running on championship fumes all day. Who needs sleep? Definitely not Winky, Risky, Sleepy, Lil' Pepe, etc.







more pictures here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2010083&id=200400096&l=a7f3fa5a5a

I should be sleeping...

But I can't. We're leaving for the Lakers parade in an hour or so but I just can't sleep. Maybe I'm excited, maybe I'm disappointed in myself, maybe it's both. I know I said I was gonna work on changing but it's definitely harder than I thought. I desperately need to and quickly before it negatively affects me more than it already has. Man up K-Sean. Grow a pair.

This Is An Update On What We've Been On As of Late

I think it's time for me to update this garbage. I never really intended to use this blog so I don't really know why I made it. It's currently 3:40 in the morning and I'm just sitting here listening to music while uploading my last batch of Lakers highlights for the season so I decided to write on my blog. I know my other posts have been pretty insignificant, but no one reads this shit anyway. At least I don't think anyone does.

So, the last couple months since I last updated have been alright. Lakers are back where they belong, K-Sean isn't as emo as usual for various reasons and I have the whole summer off. It's kind of been an up and down last few months though. Mainly due to the fact that I over-analyze everything and lack the initiative and drive to pursue anything. Well I have the drive but it never seems to materialize into anything of value. I'm slowly learning that each journey begins with one step (corny I know). The problem with me is that I always have difficulty taking that first step. Call it a lack of confidence, a lack of motivation or whatever but I can just never seem to find it within myself to be who I know I can be. Whether it's with school, life, etc. It only took me a couple years to realize that life is what you make of it. I've been pretty hard on myself and it began to negatively affect me. While it may not have shown, I really was not happy with myself at all. I know better days are ahead of me because I will no longer let me hold myself down. I'm still a bit of a pessimist and I know I need to fix that. Old habits die hard as they say. Starting today, I won't always dwell on the negative side of a situation or always expect the worse. Yea, it's easier said than done but I know I can do it. Or maybe I'm just all talk. We'll see.

I feel kind of weird writing all this stuff down. It does feel good letting it out though. No homo. I've always thought that it was weird for people to write about what they were feeling for the world to see but I do see why someone would do so. It's kind of therapeutic. I still do feel pretty lame for doing this regardless. Who knows if I'll ever update this again?

Hey chachooka man can we get a reup?!?!?!!

Facebook note circa a few months ago:

Friendship. What is it really? Is it subjective or objective? Real or fake? In my case, I just don't know anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have my fair share of friends but how many of them can I truly call FRIENDS? This isn't an insult to the friends I have now or anything so please don't think I don't appreciate you because believe me I do. I love all of you guys (and gals, respectively). It's just I feel like there really isn't that one person I can just go to to tell everything to. Like what I'm saying right now. It's probably my fault though. I'm not really willing to open up to others because when I do it seems like things always don't go too well and I always lose more than I gain. Maybe I have lofty expectations. Maybe I shouldn't expect my kindness to be reciprocated. I mean I don't really expect that but it'd be nice once in a while. I feel like a CG right now cause I'm typing this on my BlackBerry. Hell, I feel like a CG for putting this on Facebook. That had nothing to do with anything. Haha. Back to what I was saying. Maybe I shouldn't be as nice as I am. It really hasn't gotten me anywhere thus far. The problem with that is that I don't have a mean bone in my body for lack of a better way of putting it. I don't even know if I've ever truly gotten angry at anything or anyone in my life. Well I've got a little pent up anger but the only thing that makes me outwardly express anger is when the Lakers play retarded. Like Abbigail told me, I let it all boil up and it's unhealthy. I just smile and pretend everything is okay even when it's far from it. I don't know why I'm posting this on Facebook to be honest with you. It may seem like a desperate cry for attention but I just need to get it off my chest. I just wish people would tell me how they really felt about me instead of me having to find out through someone else. It makes things more painful than they have to be when that happens. I feel like I'm just rambling on now so I'm gonna sleep now.


-- Post From My iPhone

Knock You Down

We were never meant to be, baby we just happened.


-- Post From My iPhone

Street lights

Moments passing in front of me

-- Post From My iPhone